Dealing with the loss of a pregnancy...

I titled this dealing with the loss of a pregnancy, but for those who have been in my position and have experienced what I have experienced know that it feels much more like the loss of a baby. Nick and I had carefully planned this baby. We picked out names, nursery themes, and talked to Abigail about being a big sister. We went to our 10 week appointment and heard a strong heartbeat that was the exact same as Abigail's when I was that far along with her. This baby was very real to us. I had already bonded with the baby, and started to show. However, this pregnancy was very different than my pregnancy with Abigail and I knew somewhere deep in the back of my mind that something was wrong. It was always there taunting me, but I never wanted to really believe it. I had shared with Nick a couple times that I felt like something was wrong, but of course he comforted me like any loving husband would do. I was very sick with this pregnancy, not morning sickness sick, but something else. It was like my body was under stress and I would wake up everyday feeling horrible. It almost felt like the flu or some kind of sickness for 3 months. On Sunday November 30th I started cramping, but it wasn't normal pregnancy cramping. I felt like it was the start of labor and my stomach was super sore. I told Nick, but we figured since it was Sunday we would wait until Monday and call the doctor, so we did. On Monday I woke up cramping even more and I made an appointment with the doctor. Thankfully, Nick left work and came with me. And there it was that taunting feeling that something was really wrong. I tried to push it aside, but my heart knew. We went into the doctor and he got the heartbeat machine out, but couldn't find anything, and my heart sank. He brought in an ultrasound machine and after about 10 minutes, turned to me and said I am so sorry there is no heartbeat and the baby is measuring 11 weeks. I was 13 weeks pregnant. My world came crashing down around me and I was flooded with emotions of guilt, shame, heartache, anger and a heart full of questions. The doctor tells you it isn't your fault and there was noting you could do, but anyone who has been through this knows the questions that come along with it. What did I do wrong? Could I have done something to prevent this? What if I missed my prenatal vitamins one day? What if I shouldn't have drank that one glass of soda with caffeine? Why did my body give out on this tiny dependent baby? And the list goes on and on. Will this happen again? Will I ever be able to have another pregnancy that lasts? Its cruel really, to do that to ourselves, but its a part of the process. The doctor gave us two options, let it happen naturally, which could take time, might not even happen since I was so far along, and might end up in a procedure anyway. It was a strange feeling for me to know that the life inside of me wasn't alive anymore. It made me so incredibly sad that I was ready to get this part of it over with and start to heal. We made plans with the doctor to have a D&C the next day and we left the appointment. Just like that. I went from planning my baby's future to losing it all. Nick was so supportive and loving. He gave me a blessing, which helped more than he will ever know and we talked and cried until we felt better for the moment. The following day we had the procedure and we went home. I woke up the day after and I was in SO much pain, which isn't necessarily normal. I could hardly walk and I felt again that something was wrong. I made it through the day and the next day woke up with the worst chills and a 101 fever, so I called the doctor. I was so emotional and thinking why can't this just be over so I can try to move on? We went into the doctors office to find that there was still tissue and that I would have to have another D&C if the medicine he gave me didn't work. The doctor said it was rare for this to happen and he hadn't had to redo a D&C in 5 years. And I thought just my luck... So we went home with the medicine hoping it would work and I wouldn't have to go through that again, only to be thrown another curve ball. The doctor called the following day to tell me I had to have the D&C the next day. He said after some testing we found out that I had a partial molar pregnancy. It only happens 1 in every 1000 pregnancies and I had never heard of it. My doctor was amazing. He spent 30 minutes on the phone with me explaining what all of this meant and answering any of my questions. There are two different types of molar pregnancies, and then two different types of the type I had and I had the more rare type. In the type I had two sperm fertilized one egg causing the baby to have 69 chromosomes instead of 46. He said it would have never survived and these types of pregnancies never do. The baby was severely defective, but there was more. My placenta was a mass of abnormal cells, not a source of nourishment for the baby. In this type of pregnancy the placenta grows at such a rapid rate that it takes over the entire uterus, multiplying its abnormal cells. He went on to tell me that in rare cases this tissue can grow back and turn cancerous, so I would not be able to get pregnant for 12 months and would have to do weekly blood tests. It sounds weird, but I felt a little relieved after the phone call with him. I finally had some answers. The guilt disappeared as a I realized there really was nothing I could have done to prevent this, but there was a new pain there. I have to go through this all again. I have to feel all the emotions that I felt after my last procedure. It will bring them all to the surface. And now... I couldn't have a baby for another 12 months. Abigail lost out on a sibling. It isn't even possible for her to have one for at least a year and a half. We had already planned on waiting some time to have another one so we could heal, but it hurts worse when someone tells you that you CAN'T get pregnant for 12 more months. I think one of the hardest things for me has been that Abigail was so excited, and I knew she wanted, and still wants, a sibling so bad. And to top it all off I still feel pregnant. In these types of pregnancies the HCG hormone can take a really long time to drop and eventually leave your body. So here I am not pregnant anymore, but still having symptoms of pregnancy, and it hurts. It reminds me that I don't have my baby safe inside of me anymore. I don't want anyone to think I am angry or that I don't understand that Heavenly Father has a plan, because I do. I truly believe that and I know that he knows what I need better than I do. And I find comfort in that. I find comfort in the fact that I already have one amazing and beautiful little girl that I get to cuddle and love and that some people never have the chance to even get that. I am so thankful for those things and I want everyone to know that. But on the other hand I still hurt, and the only thing that will heal that is time and relying on the Lord. And I am relying on the Lord very much so. I have been on my knees time and time again praying for strength and understanding. For stronger faith and trust in his plan and I know it will come. But for now, its the little things that make me break down. Its playing at the park with Abigail where I first called my mom to tell her about the heartbeat. Its other pregnant girls who are still pregnant and get to meet their babies(and trust me I am so happy for them and would never wish this on anyone) its just so hard.  Its the memory of Nick saying "Aww your starting to show." Or when Nick would tell Abigail to kiss my belly and talk to her brother or sister. It's the little things that bring back the flood of emotions. I know I will be okay. I know that this is a trial the Lord saw fit for me to endure and I know I will learn something, if not lots of things by going through it and relying on Him. I am so thankful for the gospel and the knowledge I have that families are eternal and I will meet our baby someday. I am thankful for Nick and the amazing husband and father he has been, is, and always will be. I am thankful for Abigail and the sweet spirit she brings to our home. And most of all I am thankful for trials, even hard ones like these that allow me to rely on my Savior and understand his love for me.

Our May-June

We have been having so much fun this summer that I haven't even had a minute to sit down and organize things to catch up on my blog. I am finally back and excited to keep up with it again... So here goes! 

Goldbug Hot Springs Hike: 

We found an amazing natural hot spring that was also a challenging hike in. We were so excited to have an awesome reward at the end of the hike. It was so beautiful! 

Mother's Day: 

We were all sick on Mother's Day so we weren't able to do anything that day. The following week on my husbands day off him and Abigail took me out to eat and got me the sweetest present. Then, we went to Bear World for Abigail. 

Bear World: 

Trip to the Zoo:

Fun at the park and at home: 

Quick getaway camping with mommy and daddy: 

Meme, Papa, and cousin Pryce's visit: 

Abbey was so excited to have Meme, Papa, and Pryce come to visit. While they were here we went to Yellowstone and camped for two nights and then went to Jackson and camped one night. We also went on a beautiful hike in Jackson. Abbey loved Pryce so much that by the end of the trip she was calling him "buddy" She still asks for buddy all the time! We always love when family comes to visit and we miss them like crazy when they leave. 

Stay tuned for July-August. We had so much fun this summer...this was only the beginning ;)